Dear HBO, Hollywood, and other creators of awesome entertainment products...

Dear HBO, Hollywood, and other creators of awesome entertainment products,

I was just watching the brilliant and wonderful "Boardwalk Empire" and I suddenly realized I don't really wanna watch people being tortured or beaten to death anymore.

I'm not saying people should boycott anything or stop enjoying whatever they enjoy and I thank you for the hours of quality shows and movies you've given me... I mean, "Six Feet Under"?  Holy shit.  That show literally changed my philosophy and spirituality.  That one TV show made me less afraid of death and more in love with life.  So… you know… well done.  You beautiful, creative folks have proven consistently that art is important and necessary and can even be profitable and popular.

But…

I've noticed that lately when I encounter an "edgy gritty violent" scene I usually sigh and fast-forward to the next scene.  I think maybe I've blown my 'violence-porn' fuse.  Probably during a Mel Gibson movie.

For the record I am unapologetically in favour of all free speech and free expression.  From naked 80 year old burlesque performers to the insane and ignorant ramblings of holocaust deniers, I truly believe we have to allow people to express themselves without censorship if we are to evolve as a species.

But…

It seems like sometimes you guys feel like you need to include brutal "boundary pushing" violence in fucking EVERYTHING and I'm worried that you're doing it because you think I want to see that.

I really don't.

So…

Although I would never suggest that people shouldn't make the art they feel they need to make…
And I get the whole 'watching a good person suffer makes me love them' Joseph Campbell "Hero's Journey" thing…
And "Fight Club" is one of my favourite movies ever...
And Zombies are awesome and I get that I'm a being a big pussy here…

I just wanna say:

If you're writing something right now and you feel like you need to make me watch somebody get tortured or murdered… you really don't.  I get it.  Go to the next scene.  The next scene might have some hot graphic sex in it.  I promise I won't fast-forward over that.

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Wes Borg is a Canadian comedian, playwright and musician from Edmonton, best known as a member of the comedy troupe Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie. Borg now resides in Victoria, British Columbia.  You can hear more of his hilarity by buying his album on CDBaby or iTunes

MAC USERS! VIRUS ALERT! CODE BLUE! OFFICER DOWN!

My fellow glorious and superior (in every way) Mac™ users.

If you're concerned about the new iVirus™ (Mac.BackDoor.iWorm) that's just been released (without any fanfare or keynote presentations or mock turtlenecks or free U2 albums), I join you in shout-typing the following…
"WHAT the FUCK!?!?!  We were TOLD that we were BETTER than everyone else because our computers could never EVER get viruses because… uh... they were way way more EXPENSIVE!
"Listen Apple™ (if that's even your real name), we didn't pay entirely too much to have our computers become drones in a robot network that helps some Russian guy get rich by spamming people ads for generic herbal BONER PILLS!"

Ok… now breathe.

That felt good, right?
Nothing clears your polluted chi™ like a bit of furious indignatious (and un spell-checked) rant-typing.
Your anger is justifiable.

But I am reminded of the words of Jonathan Livingston Seagull™.
Quoth he, "Walk it off, pussy".

I feel we in the Apple Cult™ must face the harsh truth…
Our tribe has been shamed. We used to be cool©, but now we've become all mainstream™ and popular™ and… eeeuch… profitable™.

Not even the ghost of Steve Wozniak™ can save us now.  It is the beginning of the end.  The prelude to the apocalypse.  The… uh… weird guy who said "Winter is Coming™" like 5 seasons ago on "Game of Thrones™".
The world is doomed.
Life is pointless.
All human happiness is but a cruel prelude to a brutal, meaningless, virus-ridden nothingness.

But then again..

Maybe you™ haven't been infected!  Maybe your decedents won't have to struggle for sustenance outside the hermitically sealed biodome "fighting a rat the size of a dog for a Mars Bar"
(I don't know who first said that bit in quotation marks but I know it wasn't me (maybe it was Karla Brunt™)).

Perhaps you are one of the chosen ones.  Perhaps you can survive, squatting in your own filth with the Linux People™ long after the rest of us have forgotten  our passwords and how to boot into Single-User Mode.
Maybe you DIDN'T download Photoshop™ from the Pirate Bay™ or click on that fucked-up porn site that promised you "The NAKEDEST™ girls on the Internet!"
Maybe you ARE special™.
So let's find out if you are a filthy virus-ridden monster or a respectable member of society.
Seriously… I will now help you find out if your mac is infected™.

You will need:
1 Computer (Apple™ obviously)
1 (preferably 2) fingers™
(please note, instructions assume that you are not a complete fucking idiot)
1.  Turn on your "Macbook™" by pressing the button that makes it go "BLOOOONG".
2.  Go into your "Finder"… that's the "app" (probably at the bottom left of that fancy thing that pops up whenever you accidentally move your mouse to the bottom of the screen).

FUN FACT:
The "Finder" is a "killer app" that lets you see your "files". (The icon is a digital representation of that time Picasso drew a smiley face on a napkin during his "Blue Period™")

3.  Click on the menu (at the top middle) that reads, "Go"
(That's the word that starts with a "G" and ends with an "o" and has no other letters in it.)

FUN FACT:
"Go" is the only word that has only the letters "G" and "O" in it once each!
Wasn't that fun!?  Now let's get back to finding out if you deserve to exist in society™!

4.  Click on "Go to Folder".
5.  Type or paste this:
 /Library/Application Support/JavaW
..
<begin ZEN Khon ID-3203i5u3-2>
-
                            I know this is confusing.
                                You're doing great.
-
</end ZEN Khon ID-3203i5u3-2>
..

 6.  If your computer beeps or you get a message that says "folder can’t be found" then congratulations! You are fine. You don't have a virus.  The Russian and/or Chinese mafia have not infected you and you may go about your life continuing to be smug about your computer, it's awesome OS, the benefits of cale™ and whatever stupid illogical shit you believe that's keeping you from surrendering to the voices in your head who tell you to "kill them all™".

7.  If your computer DOESN'T beep and you actually see that folder….
Well…. that shit will cost you at least $35/hr.
I am available this Tuesday afternoon to help you.
Also, your boobs™ and/or penis™ are now freely available for viewing on the internet.
I'm just kidding. Your boobs™ and/or penis™ have been available since 0.3 seconds after you took that picture. It's one of Apple™'s proudest features.
Love,
Wes

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Wes Borg is a Canadian comedian, playwright and musician from Edmonton, best known as a member of the comedy troupe Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie. Borg now resides in Victoria, British Columbia.  You can hear more of his hilarity by buying his album on CDBaby or iTunes