I posted this on facebook. It got a lot of "likes". It got even more "shares". The current market value for Wes Borg's "Shares" and "Likes" is… let's see… carry the zero… uh huh…. that's $0.00 per. I'm gonna get rich. Those things are way overdue for a surge!
Anyway, here's the rant. Someone should probably check my math, I didn't do too well in that class.
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A rare (I promise) and unsolicited rant from this particular comedian:
Pay the fucking teachers. Shut the fuck up and pay them a lot of money.
Don't hesitate. Don't argue. Just suck it up and give the fucking teachers whatever they fucking want.
An educated public commits less crime, makes more money, and has a lower birth rate. They probably even fucking swear less often.
Education is the magic fucking bullet to get us out of the economic, political and environmental shitstorm we are about to be swimming in.
Education is not just the magic fucking bullet, it's our ONLY fucking bullet.
There are currently 7 billion people on this planet.
In the year 2000, there were 6 billion.
That's a BILLION extra people since Destiny's Child was a thing.
Wrap your fucking mind around that one.
During Beyoncé's career, from "Bootylicious" to "Drunk in Love", the world's population increased by over 16%. (Don't blame Beyoncé, she's just trying to entertain the nice people with her music and titties.)
Oh, and the oceans are about to start rising, flooding cities and wiping out entire fucking islands over the next 50 years. It's going to happen, and we have NO IDEA how to even just SLOW IT DOWN.
So we are about to have way too many people living on less and less land.
How the FUCK do you think that's gonna work out?!
Oh, and we're almost out of oil.
Now obviously "the rich are going to move to the higher ground" (Geoff Berner) and start shooting anyone who comes near the compound, and religious fanatics are going to say it's God's Will or some other stupid shit, but the only hope for the rest of us is that the kids growing up today get fucking smart, fucking fast.
We need the best fucking teachers we can find and we need to fucking give them whatever they fucking want.
If teachers want oral sex every thursday at lunch, we need to make that happen.
I'm willing to volunteer for a couple shifts a month.
If they want top hats and velvet gowns and fucking tiaras we need to find the fucking money and give it to them.
Even if some teachers are shitty - and some of them are - at least they're showing up every day trying to make apathetic little Jimmy capable of filling out a fucking job application at Burger Hut so that maybe he can buy a shitty car and get laid instead of robbing me the night he doesn't graduate.
Hey, at least it's something. And it's a metric shit-tonne more than most of us are doing.
People don't become teachers to get rich for fuck's sake.
Do you know a rich teacher? Have you ever seen a teacher who owns a boat?
People become teachers because they genuinely WANT to do that shitty shitty job.
They actually WANT to teach your darling little fucked up, lazy, video game addicts at least SOME of the knowledge humans have managed to gather over the last 200 000 fucking years.
And if you don't have kids, well then the next time you're out and you see a little 5 year old on a swing, you just imagine him stealing your car in 10 years.
You want that?
No?
Well then do you wanna teach all the little potential juvenile delinquents in your neighbourhood grammar and Newton's fucking Laws of Motion? You know… the laws that helped us figure out how to get to the FUCKING MOON back when we gave a shit about doing that.
Do you wanna teach that complicated, important, boring shit to a bunch of snot-nosed, disaffected children?
Because if you do, I guarantee that if you don't get a decent wage, small class sizes, a winter break and 2 months off in the summer you will put a bullet through your own fucking head.
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Postscript. Some lady named Karla Brunt has copied and pasted the above rant to facebook as her own. Got 5000 shares and counting. My response is here.
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Wes Borg is a Canadian comedian, playwright and musician from Edmonton, best known as a member of the comedy troupe Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie. Borg now resides in Victoria, British Columbia. You can hear more of his hilarity by buying his album on
CDBaby or
iTunes