An Open Letter From a Friendly Atheist to His Holiness, The Pope

101 Pope Street, The Pope District
North Popington,
The Vatican

My Dearest Mister Pope,

My Facebook Machine recently decided to show me a thing you worked on called "Top Ten List For Becoming A Happier Person".

Obviously I clicked… although I clicked with some skepticism and maybe a little too much cynicism, because as I clicked a voice in my head said, "Why does everybody think they need to be happier? It'd be cooler if it was a top 10 list for becoming a kinder person." But then another voice pointed out that the first voice was just trying to use kindness as a way to be a judgemental asshole. We took a vote and myself and the rest of the voices sided with the second voice while conceding that the first voice had a very lovely and morally important point. I'm not sure what the final count was, not everyone was there for the vote.

Anyway, I read your happiness thing. It's very good. You should be proud of yourself. But hey, not too proud, you crazy "born with original sin" human, am I right?

It really is a very nice list. Spot on, Popey me old mate. Stonkingly good advice for how to try to be mostly awesome!  Although number 8: "Stop being negative" is a bit of a paradox… I'm gonna assume someone else was paraphrasing you.  I'm sure that happened to Jesus all the time too.

Now... if you could just put down the adorable goat (when you're ready, dude, I get it. I loves me a baby goat too, ask anyone) and get back to your job of running a gigantic religious empire, that'd be great. A lot of people are counting on you and I think that goat can probably walk on his own now. He's sure gonna wonder why his footsteps suddenly disappeared back there in the sand though!

I don't know... maybe on Tuesday after a nice coffee and some tweeting you could try to get that birth control dogma nonsense sorted… I mean, surely seven BILLION people is enough, even for God, am I right?

Maybe Wednesday you could sell off some of the Vatican's gold and give it back to the poor people who paid for it (or their descendants at least). Man would that ever make you popular (or Pope-ular)! That'd be better than 500 goats!

And then that whole crazy "women can't be equal" problem, that's gonna take up all of Thursday and Friday. I don't know why a centuries-old "celibate" boys club has a problem with women. I bet it's the Bishops, isn't it? Well, you know what they say, "Bishops be crazy!"

And then on the weekend maybe try to think of a plan to use all that sweet Catholic church money for even more kindness and charity. I mean you can do all the goat lifting you want, but you are still gonna be BANANAS rich and part of your job is to tell all those people who love you and look up to you all about how they'll be treated after they die and so forth… I mean, dude.  That's a whole meta… Spiderman's Ghost kinda level of Great Responsibility job description you got there. You are literally the project manager of a project where the very first project manager actually was Jesus.  I sure couldn't do it. 

I agree with you completely about Sundays.  Keep that day Holy!  On Sunday afternoons I go to my local pub in Victoria, Logans "Tavern of the Damned" and attend a service of sorts called "The Hootenanny".  My friend Carolyn Mark started it 20 years ago and it helped me realized that spending time one day a week engaged in a ritual of love and music with your friends and neighbours is really important.  It's my secular church service and my heart aches when I don't get to show up and sing a holy Tom Waits or Warren Zevon hymn with some of the people I love.  You should drop by... oh crap, I think they make you work on Sundays, don't they?  That sucks, dude.

Don't get me wrong, I think you're great, current Pope. You seem to have actually read the important parts of that manual you guys use. You seem to have love in your heart and kindess in your soul. And yeah, I do believe in a soul. And I do believe in Love. That's really all I believe in.  I'll grant you that I have no concrete evidence to prove that Love or my Soul scientifically exist or that I should believe in them.  But I do.  So we have something in common there.

Any way, I'll work on your list and you work on mine and maybe we'll both start getting closer to what our mutual pal, Jesus "Shut Up And Love Each Other" Christ was on about… you know, before he got killed and magically became an angry flying zombie… We can talk about that issue next time. I'll try to be less mean in my next letter if you write back! Pen pals for life, Popey-poo!

Love,
Wes Borg

My album cover.  Look, a goat!  Buy IT!

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Wes Borg is a Canadian comedian, playwright and musician from Edmonton, best known as a member of the comedy troupe Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie. Borg now resides in Victoria, British Columbia.  You can hear more of his hilarity by buying his album on CDBaby or iTunes.  Or you could see him live monthly in Victoria at "Wes Borg's Cavalcade of Whimsy" or at "Derwin Blanshard's Extremely Classy Sunday Evening Programme" or pretty much any Sunday afternoon at the Hoot.

Dear HBO, Hollywood, and other creators of awesome entertainment products...

Dear HBO, Hollywood, and other creators of awesome entertainment products,

I was just watching the brilliant and wonderful "Boardwalk Empire" and I suddenly realized I don't really wanna watch people being tortured or beaten to death anymore.

I'm not saying people should boycott anything or stop enjoying whatever they enjoy and I thank you for the hours of quality shows and movies you've given me... I mean, "Six Feet Under"?  Holy shit.  That show literally changed my philosophy and spirituality.  That one TV show made me less afraid of death and more in love with life.  So… you know… well done.  You beautiful, creative folks have proven consistently that art is important and necessary and can even be profitable and popular.

But…

I've noticed that lately when I encounter an "edgy gritty violent" scene I usually sigh and fast-forward to the next scene.  I think maybe I've blown my 'violence-porn' fuse.  Probably during a Mel Gibson movie.

For the record I am unapologetically in favour of all free speech and free expression.  From naked 80 year old burlesque performers to the insane and ignorant ramblings of holocaust deniers, I truly believe we have to allow people to express themselves without censorship if we are to evolve as a species.

But…

It seems like sometimes you guys feel like you need to include brutal "boundary pushing" violence in fucking EVERYTHING and I'm worried that you're doing it because you think I want to see that.

I really don't.

So…

Although I would never suggest that people shouldn't make the art they feel they need to make…
And I get the whole 'watching a good person suffer makes me love them' Joseph Campbell "Hero's Journey" thing…
And "Fight Club" is one of my favourite movies ever...
And Zombies are awesome and I get that I'm a being a big pussy here…

I just wanna say:

If you're writing something right now and you feel like you need to make me watch somebody get tortured or murdered… you really don't.  I get it.  Go to the next scene.  The next scene might have some hot graphic sex in it.  I promise I won't fast-forward over that.

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Wes Borg is a Canadian comedian, playwright and musician from Edmonton, best known as a member of the comedy troupe Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie. Borg now resides in Victoria, British Columbia.  You can hear more of his hilarity by buying his album on CDBaby or iTunes

MAC USERS! VIRUS ALERT! CODE BLUE! OFFICER DOWN!

My fellow glorious and superior (in every way) Mac™ users.

If you're concerned about the new iVirus™ (Mac.BackDoor.iWorm) that's just been released (without any fanfare or keynote presentations or mock turtlenecks or free U2 albums), I join you in shout-typing the following…
"WHAT the FUCK!?!?!  We were TOLD that we were BETTER than everyone else because our computers could never EVER get viruses because… uh... they were way way more EXPENSIVE!
"Listen Apple™ (if that's even your real name), we didn't pay entirely too much to have our computers become drones in a robot network that helps some Russian guy get rich by spamming people ads for generic herbal BONER PILLS!"

Ok… now breathe.

That felt good, right?
Nothing clears your polluted chi™ like a bit of furious indignatious (and un spell-checked) rant-typing.
Your anger is justifiable.

But I am reminded of the words of Jonathan Livingston Seagull™.
Quoth he, "Walk it off, pussy".

I feel we in the Apple Cult™ must face the harsh truth…
Our tribe has been shamed. We used to be cool©, but now we've become all mainstream™ and popular™ and… eeeuch… profitable™.

Not even the ghost of Steve Wozniak™ can save us now.  It is the beginning of the end.  The prelude to the apocalypse.  The… uh… weird guy who said "Winter is Coming™" like 5 seasons ago on "Game of Thrones™".
The world is doomed.
Life is pointless.
All human happiness is but a cruel prelude to a brutal, meaningless, virus-ridden nothingness.

But then again..

Maybe you™ haven't been infected!  Maybe your decedents won't have to struggle for sustenance outside the hermitically sealed biodome "fighting a rat the size of a dog for a Mars Bar"
(I don't know who first said that bit in quotation marks but I know it wasn't me (maybe it was Karla Brunt™)).

Perhaps you are one of the chosen ones.  Perhaps you can survive, squatting in your own filth with the Linux People™ long after the rest of us have forgotten  our passwords and how to boot into Single-User Mode.
Maybe you DIDN'T download Photoshop™ from the Pirate Bay™ or click on that fucked-up porn site that promised you "The NAKEDEST™ girls on the Internet!"
Maybe you ARE special™.
So let's find out if you are a filthy virus-ridden monster or a respectable member of society.
Seriously… I will now help you find out if your mac is infected™.

You will need:
1 Computer (Apple™ obviously)
1 (preferably 2) fingers™
(please note, instructions assume that you are not a complete fucking idiot)
1.  Turn on your "Macbook™" by pressing the button that makes it go "BLOOOONG".
2.  Go into your "Finder"… that's the "app" (probably at the bottom left of that fancy thing that pops up whenever you accidentally move your mouse to the bottom of the screen).

FUN FACT:
The "Finder" is a "killer app" that lets you see your "files". (The icon is a digital representation of that time Picasso drew a smiley face on a napkin during his "Blue Period™")

3.  Click on the menu (at the top middle) that reads, "Go"
(That's the word that starts with a "G" and ends with an "o" and has no other letters in it.)

FUN FACT:
"Go" is the only word that has only the letters "G" and "O" in it once each!
Wasn't that fun!?  Now let's get back to finding out if you deserve to exist in society™!

4.  Click on "Go to Folder".
5.  Type or paste this:
 /Library/Application Support/JavaW
..
<begin ZEN Khon ID-3203i5u3-2>
-
                            I know this is confusing.
                                You're doing great.
-
</end ZEN Khon ID-3203i5u3-2>
..

 6.  If your computer beeps or you get a message that says "folder can’t be found" then congratulations! You are fine. You don't have a virus.  The Russian and/or Chinese mafia have not infected you and you may go about your life continuing to be smug about your computer, it's awesome OS, the benefits of cale™ and whatever stupid illogical shit you believe that's keeping you from surrendering to the voices in your head who tell you to "kill them all™".

7.  If your computer DOESN'T beep and you actually see that folder….
Well…. that shit will cost you at least $35/hr.
I am available this Tuesday afternoon to help you.
Also, your boobs™ and/or penis™ are now freely available for viewing on the internet.
I'm just kidding. Your boobs™ and/or penis™ have been available since 0.3 seconds after you took that picture. It's one of Apple™'s proudest features.
Love,
Wes

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Wes Borg is a Canadian comedian, playwright and musician from Edmonton, best known as a member of the comedy troupe Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie. Borg now resides in Victoria, British Columbia.  You can hear more of his hilarity by buying his album on CDBaby or iTunes

Take That, Young People!

I inherited my daughter's iPhone and now have a telephonic device for the first time in 5 years.  I outiftted it with a bluetooth headset and an app that makes the iPhone have to use a rotary dial.
Now when a young person asks to borrow my phone, I can hand this to them and say, "Now you be baffled by technology!"

Wes Borg is a Canadian comedian, playwright and musician from Edmonton, best known as a member of the comedy troupe Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie. Borg now resides in Victoria, British Columbia.  You can hear more of his hilarity by buying his album on CDBaby or iTunes

An open letter to the lady who stole my writing and posted it on Facebook as her own...

To Ms. Karla Brunt of Langley, British Columbia

Hey Karla!  Wes here.  I can't write on your wall because we're not "friends" for some reason, but I figure I'll just write this on my blog and you can copy and paste it to your wall (again) if you want.

So… how's the whole "taking down that rant Wes wrote about the teachers" thing going?  You know… that thing you stole and got 'famous' for?  I alerted the facebook robots and I suppose an actual facebook human is going to review this situation… and you know… maybe just delete it or kick you off facebook or some other nasty shit.  It's too bad.  I feel we could have been such good friends.  I mean, for a minute there I thought you had written the exact same words I wrote and I was all like, "My God, what an amazing co-incidence!  I mean, right down to the Geoff Berner reference!  That shit is amazing!"

But then you wrote that you had in fact copied it off my page and… let's say… forgot to credit me… and then refused to again when you were busted.  Which was weird.  But hey, let's let the authorities sort it out.  Maybe there's a loophole in the law where you actually are allowed to completely steal someone's writing and post it as your own.  I'm pretty familiar with Canadian Copyright law though.  I had to sue a guy once for publishing a thing I wrote as though he had written it.  Got $5000 bucks.  Actually the lawyer took half, but it was still pretty sweet.

Hey, speaking of getting paid, if you ever need any ghost-writing, I'm here for you.  I could even learn your writing 'voice' by adding little hearts and using the letter "U" for "you".  That's really very clever.  I thought only Prince was allowed to do that.  Crazy, huh?  The things you and I learn about the art of writing.

 I'm glad you enjoyed my words enough to steal them… because, you know… that's what I do.  I write things.  I'm  sort of like a construction worker, but with less heavy lifting.  Ok.. no heavy lifting.  Hey, what am I even talking about?  You're a writer too!  You're the famous Karla Brunt, the amazing person who 'wrote' a rant about teachers that got 5000 SHARES!  That's more than I got.  Well done!

You should be very proud of yourself.  You're internet famous.  But I think you can get even more internet famous if you hire me to write your status updates more often… or at least help you with the spelling.  For example, your status update from July 10th, 2014:

" ~ Life will lead YOU down the path your ment to TAKE ~ Mistakes or no mistakes we're HUMAN~ "

I like the sentiment.  Basically "You have no choice but to live the life the universe gives you, so why take any responsibilities?  You're a homosapien!"  Brilliant.  People need to read that.  And like it.  And share it.  And steal it.  It's too good not to steal.

However...

I would constructively suggest that you could go even further and try to develop a rhythm that fits your brilliant and original thought.  In short, put more words in all-caps.

Oh yeah… turns out the word "ment" is actually spelled "m-e-a-n-t".  I know, weird huh?  Who puts a silent "a" in a word?  Makes no sense, but that's English for you.  Also, it's "you're", not "your"… that's a tricky one.

So here's how I'd suggest you do it:

" ~ LIFE will LEAD YOU down the PATH you're MEANT to TAKE ~ Mistakes OR no mistakes, we're HUMAN~ "

You think?  I find people generally respond better to messages that randomly YELL at them. Also I added a comma before "we're HUMAN"…  I think it's nicer, it gives the reader a little pause before you bring home your final baffling message.  Also, pro tip, remember, you can edit your posts after you've written them… you know… so you don't look like a fucking idiot.

Also, obviously I'd add a few more "fucks" and "fuckings" and "shits" in there.  I'm pretty sure that's the only reason people shared our rant about the fucking teachers in the first place.

Anyhoo, look at us, a couple of professional writers, just gabbin' away.  I should probably let you go.  Let me know if you wanna collaborate on something some time, or at least when you get your book published.

Love,
Wesley (aka your favourite ghost writer)

p.s.  Tell you what.  You buy my album and we'll call it even.  You can even change the mp3 tags so it looks like it's your album!  That would be fun!  It wouldn't be the first time someone misattributed my music to someone else.  Here's the link:
https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/better-than-i-am/id573061951

--

Wes Borg is a Canadian comedian, playwright and musician from Edmonton, best known as a member of the comedy troupe Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie. Borg now resides in Victoria, British Columbia.  You can hear more of his hilarity by buying his album on CDBaby or iTunes

Nathan Fillion Back In The Olden Tymes

Neil Grahn, Joe Bird, Nathan and me being hillarious back in the day.
Found this ancient video from 2005 I think.
You know, back in the days of DV video.  Those heady crazy olden tymes.

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Wes Borg is a Canadian comedian, playwright and musician from Edmonton, best known as a member of the comedy troupe Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie. Borg now resides in Victoria, British Columbia.  You can hear more of his hilarity by buying his album on CDBaby or iTunes

Happy July 4, Yankees!

The War of 1812 Song, Live in Seattle

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Wes Borg is a Canadian comedian, playwright and musician from Edmonton, best known as a member of the comedy troupe Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie. Borg now resides in Victoria, British Columbia.  You can hear more of his hilarity by buying his album on CDBaby or iTunes

Showbiz Advice From Wes!

Learn Acting From A Pro!

Often young actors come to me for advice in this mad business we call "Show". I tell them this:

Don't forget to remember to pretend to be the person they WANT you to pretend to be. 
Don't pretend to be someone else. 
Or forget to pretend to not be yourself. 
Just pretend to be the person they hired you to pretend to be. Then everything will go fine. Oh, and probably don't be a dick.

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Wes Borg is a Canadian comedian, playwright and musician from Edmonton, best known as a member of the comedy troupe Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie. Borg now resides in Victoria, British Columbia.  You can hear more of his hilarity by buying his album on CDBaby or iTunes

How The Robots Will Destroy Us - Ted(x)

How The Robots Will Destroy Us - Wes's Ted(x) Talk
--
I did a Ted(x) talk once.  It was terrifying.  My ex-girlfriend was sitting in the audience texting while I performed it.  My balls were in my throat and my heart was in my balls.
It was pretty intense.  I think I got away with it, but barely.
--
Anyway, this is what happened.

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Wes Borg is a Canadian comedian, playwright and musician from Edmonton, best known as a member of the comedy troupe Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie. Borg now resides in Victoria, British Columbia.  You can hear more of his hilarity by buying his album on CDBaby or iTunes

Mortality - a poem

Mortality - a poem

So I teach some lovely mentally and/or physically disabled folks a creative writing class on Thursdays.  Today the assignment was to write something that starts "I could have died…"  I wrote a poem!  Then I gave myself a gold star and a pat on the back.
--

Mortality – A Poem

I could have died in a car crash

In 1993

On the Coquihalla highway

My bestest friends and me

Our trailer was fishtailing

Though the road was bare that day

The cop who stopped us said he’d seen

2 die there yesterday

He wasn’t mad, he was just scared

No ticket did he give

“just slow the hell down next time,

if you dummies want to live”

I could have died when I was five

And hanging from a tree

I could have died when I was nine

A hatchet in my knee

I could have died last summer

The thought still makes me shiver

My leg got wrapped around a rope

While tubing down the river

I could have had a heart attack,

or massive stroke this morning,

one day I might just smell some toast

then drop dead without warning

I just might die next Thursday,

I just might die tonight,

Some have said I should be dead

The way I live my life

But still I go on breathing

Through flu and common cold

the great reward for living long

Is getting ugly, weak and old

Though sometimes I feel lousy

Sometimes my life I curse

I have to say, I’m alive today
and the alternative seems worse

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Wes Borg is a Canadian comedian, playwright and musician from Edmonton, best known as a member of the comedy troupe Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie. Borg now resides in Victoria, British Columbia.  You can hear more of his hilarity by buying his album on CDBaby or iTunes

Pay The Fucking Teachers - a rant

I posted this on facebook.  It got a lot of "likes".  It got even more "shares".  The current market value for Wes Borg's "Shares" and "Likes" is… let's see… carry the zero… uh huh…. that's $0.00 per.  I'm gonna get rich.  Those things are way overdue for a surge!
Anyway, here's the rant.  Someone should probably check my math, I didn't do too well in that class.
--

A rare (I promise) and unsolicited rant from this particular comedian:

Pay the fucking teachers. Shut the fuck up and pay them a lot of money. 

Don't hesitate. Don't argue. Just suck it up and give the fucking teachers whatever they fucking want.

An educated public commits less crime, makes more money, and has a lower birth rate. They probably even fucking swear less often.

Education is the magic fucking bullet to get us out of the economic, political and environmental shitstorm we are about to be swimming in. 

Education is not just the magic fucking bullet, it's our ONLY fucking bullet.

There are currently 7 billion people on this planet. 

In the year 2000, there were 6 billion. 

That's a BILLION extra people since Destiny's Child was a thing. 

Wrap your fucking mind around that one. 

During Beyoncé's career, from "Bootylicious" to "Drunk in Love", the world's population increased by over 16%. (Don't blame Beyoncé, she's just trying to entertain the nice people with her music and titties.)

Oh, and the oceans are about to start rising, flooding cities and wiping out entire fucking islands over the next 50 years. It's going to happen, and we have NO IDEA how to even just SLOW IT DOWN.

So we are about to have way too many people living on less and less land.

How the FUCK do you think that's gonna work out?!

Oh, and we're almost out of oil.

Now obviously "the rich are going to move to the higher ground" (Geoff Berner) and start shooting anyone who comes near the compound, and religious fanatics are going to say it's God's Will or some other stupid shit, but the only hope for the rest of us is that the kids growing up today get fucking smart, fucking fast.

We need the best fucking teachers we can find and we need to fucking give them whatever they fucking want. 

If teachers want oral sex every thursday at lunch, we need to make that happen. 

I'm willing to volunteer for a couple shifts a month.

If they want top hats and velvet gowns and fucking tiaras we need to find the fucking money and give it to them. 

Even if some teachers are shitty - and some of them are - at least they're showing up every day trying to make apathetic little Jimmy capable of filling out a fucking job application at Burger Hut so that maybe he can buy a shitty car and get laid instead of robbing me the night he doesn't graduate.

Hey, at least it's something. And it's a metric shit-tonne more than most of us are doing.

People don't become teachers to get rich for fuck's sake. 

Do you know a rich teacher? Have you ever seen a teacher who owns a boat?

People become teachers because they genuinely WANT to do that shitty shitty job. 

They actually WANT to teach your darling little fucked up, lazy, video game addicts at least SOME of the knowledge humans have managed to gather over the last 200 000 fucking years.

And if you don't have kids, well then the next time you're out and you see a little 5 year old on a swing, you just imagine him stealing your car in 10 years. 

You want that? 

No? 

Well then do you wanna teach all the little potential juvenile delinquents in your neighbourhood grammar and Newton's fucking Laws of Motion? You know… the laws that helped us figure out how to get to the FUCKING MOON back when we gave a shit about doing that.

Do you wanna teach that complicated, important, boring shit to a bunch of snot-nosed, disaffected children?

Because if you do, I guarantee that if you don't get a decent wage, small class sizes, a winter break and 2 months off in the summer you will put a bullet through your own fucking head.

--
Postscript.  Some lady named Karla Brunt has copied and pasted the above rant to facebook as her own.  Got 5000 shares and counting.  My response is here.

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Wes Borg is a Canadian comedian, playwright and musician from Edmonton, best known as a member of the comedy troupe Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie. Borg now resides in Victoria, British Columbia.  You can hear more of his hilarity by buying his album on CDBaby or iTunes